I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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