I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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