i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
