you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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