you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
