god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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