I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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