I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
