i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
