I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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