Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
