Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
