I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
