The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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