chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Sorry about my life...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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