you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
