Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
