i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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