I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
