Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
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