My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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