eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
