I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
