Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize