What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
