having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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