if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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