dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
