I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
