if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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