When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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