got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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