I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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