I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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