I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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