After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
