I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
