I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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