lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Please don't give away my fajitas
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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