Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
