"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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