sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
