Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
