I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
