i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
A+ Viking dick
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize