so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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