Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
she told me i tasted like america
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
