i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
