I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
