I think I died a long time ago.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
