how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
