I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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