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he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
