i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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