I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Mom said you looked used
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
