you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
