we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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