dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize