He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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