some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize