checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
