The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
