my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
