I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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