you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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