Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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