Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
