My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I think i got beer on your cat.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
