until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
