I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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